The year the world didn’t end…

Posted on December 30, 2012

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… but at times felt like it might.

This year has been the absolute hardest year of my entire life. It felt like everything was crumbling beneath my feet and I had to struggle very, very hard to hold on. There were days that I didn’t think I would make it.

I did. I made it. I learned a whole hell of a lot.

I lost the only man I might ever love. One day he just said it was over. On a day that was supposed to be the happiest day in a couple of years. We’d been having problems for a while but he is my best friend in the whole world and I honestly thought that love would be enough. It wasn’t. I didn’t tell my friends or family for a while. Nobody would understand. Everyone thought we were made for each other. Some still do.

I tried to be ok. I tried to hold my head up and pretend I was ok. I tried to act like I was happy and moving forward and onward when I was dying inside.

Things got worse. Everything kept crumbling.

One day I was defeated. Just about everything that could crumble, had. What hadn’t was about to anyway. I was at the bottom. I was full of so much hopelessness and despair. More than I could have ever imagined outside of a terminal diagnosis or the loss of a loved one. The “Why me” and the “Poor me” and the “I don’t deserve this” clouded almost everything.

So I decided to give up. To admit defeat, and to say “OK, I get it.” to whatever higher power/God/Universe/Nature and accept that what I was doing wasn’t working and that something needed to change. I needed to trust that somehow I needed the shit storm I’d been through and that I needed to be able to say “OK, I get it” before anything was going to change. I basically put it out there that I wasn’t going to make it if I didn’t get something, anything, that would lead to an answer about or somehow help to facilitate the changes that it had become clear that I needed to make.

A miracle happened. And then another one. And I now have a calmness of spirit and a clarity of thought that I feel like I have never had before. And Instead of saying “Maybe next year will be better, there’s no way it could be worse” I can move forward to new things with a better outlook and not be afraid.

Despair and hope can’t exist together because they are diametrically opposed. Hope came in, despair left, and I’m here. And I’m happy, or at least on my way to being happy. And I still have sad moments. And I still wonder why things happen the way they do. And I still want to curl up in a ball sometimes. A lot of times. But it’s getting a hell of a lot easier to uncurl.

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